Dear Boris,
I accomplishment you exist, and I apologize if your name isn’t in actuality Boris.
However, if you are real, I don’t apperceive if I’m attainable to accommodated you adapted now. I’m still young, broken and affectionate of a mess. I don’t own a checkbook, and if I do, I don’t bethink anytime accretion it. I never do laundry and will beforehand on recycling it until it fails “the that appears to that appears to smell test.” I address too loud, airing crazy fast, address crazy fast, consistently discount to put the toilet bank down and acquire a addiction of abuse over accumulated in my path. I acquire abandon smoker about twelve times and will allegedly abandon at diminutive two hundred added over the beforehand of our relationship. My action consistently smells like coffee, and it takes me an hour to get out of bed in the morning. For the ancient hour of the day, I am a complete b-tch and will allegation accumulated on you.
I’ve got lots of flaws, and I plan on befitting a lot of them. But someday, I’m traveling to achieve you so adored you won’t be able to bend it.
I’ve been brainwork about you all of my life, breadth I adeptness accommodated you, what you adeptness accessory like and if you aswell ahead that Sporty was actually underrated as a Spice Girl. (Hint: The acceptance is consistently yes.) I’ve apprehension about what I adeptness say if I accommodated you, what your name could be and whether I’ll anytime be able to get your ancestors to like me. (I acquire a bad clue annual in this department.)
I ambition to accommodated your mom, your sisters, your crazy aunt, your crazy aunt’s crazy aunt and any added alarming ancestors you annual introduce-able. I ambition address pulled from aback my aeriform and a stocking with my name on it, one that your mother swears she didn’t crop a connected time battle stitching.
Full disclosure: I actually accomplishment it has a applique man on it.
I don’t apperceive a able lot about kids, how abounding kids we should have, if I even ambition kids, if I even like kids, if I can even acquire kids afterwards the bulk my ancestors did on me. Do I ambition to bolster the cycle? Do I ambition to adopt? Will my accouchement amateur French, German or Spanish?
God abandoned knows. But I ambition to abide a action abounding with love, and if you ambition to accompany kids into our lovefest, I ahead I’m able with that. However, if you go down this path, apperceive that I will be the craziest, a lot of over-protective, nutrition-obsessed soccer antecedent this accessory of a Sandra Bullock movie. Get attainable for it.
I will haversack their lunches. I will cut off their crusts. I will abandoned covering every R-rated becloud they see afore they see it. I will bean them off at whatever anteroom assimilation summer afflicted we are paying way too abounding to advanced them to. I will admonish them what Garrison Keillor is. I will ascendancy their battle if they get stood up at the dance. I will abate their ancient ex with an ax acicular just for the occasion. I am traveling to be a actualization from a Jonathan Franzen novel, but I accomplishment you can applause me anyway.
Those kids are traveling to apperceive every added of every day that anyone has their back, that anyone is off about absurdly arresting about their safety, that anyone has admired them so abounding that they will blot the draft of their action in assay animate it out. And if that bureau I acquire to accompany the Harper Valley PTA and chafe Mom Jeans, I will do it with tits on.
Also, I apperceive a lot of bodies are accomplishing the kids alfresco of accord thing, but I’m not constant if I’m that affectionate of guy. I acquire no clue why; some bodies ahead I’m old fashioned, but I ahead that I was brainwashed by 7th Heaven. And I apperceive I consistently about beforehand that I don’t ambition to get married, that I’m not constant if I could be monogamous, that I don’t ahead beastly beings are able of not cheating on ceremony added all the time, but I ambition to be wrong. I’ll be cat-and-mouse for you to prove me awry –- counting down the hours, minutes, aberrant until you do, and I assert I’ll try to accessory surprised.
I am still cryptic about how gay weddings work, as I’ve never been to one. Is there still a bouquet? Do we get bridesmaids? Will Melissa McCarthy be there? Who walks down the alleyway with whom? Do I get algid all-overs or do you? Do we both acquire attainable parties? Do they still play “Here Comes the Bride?” Could they play “Anarchy in the U.K.” instead?
However, I ambition to bulk it out with you. I’ve never planned a wedding, as I absent out on that allocation of the aberrant abiogenetic package, the allocation that aswell is declared to achieve me see why bodies like Ke$ha so much. But I ahead we can do this thing. I ahead we are cut out for it, and I can’t wait, abnormally for that awkward moment breadth we acquire our ancient affiliated bodies kiss and we can’t bulk out how abounding we are acclimatized to kiss ceremony other. I’m traveling to kiss you so hard, every minute of every day for the draft of your life. I don’t adversity if it’s “church appropriate” or not.
I aswell don’t apperceive abolishment about alliance receptions, but I apperceive I don’t ambition a DJ, as I ahead that the B-52s deserve bigger than drunken, middle-aged, tulle-covered writhing. I consistently apprehension that accepting alliance troubadours would be perfect, abnormally if said troubadours apperceive how to play “Digital Love” by Daft Punk on their guitars. I apperceive we’re declared to brawl to Frank Sinatra or something affiliated for our ancient dance, but something about French cyberbanking music just makes me feel romantic.
You should allegedly be warned that I can’t brawl and accessory like Elaine from Seinfeld if I try. So this accretion action adeptness be a conceiving for your feet. However, if you’ve assured up with me, I’m bookish from my full-frontal nerdity that you can’t brawl either. Afterwards, we can just rub ceremony other’s all-overs afore we admire a alliance night bonanza of naked Twister, beastly relations and Arrested Development. However, if you would acquire we watch Gilmore Girls while we achieve the sex, I’m able with that as well. As connected as there’s Sour Patch Kids, absorbed with the kettle additive brindle on it and Raisinettes involved, we’re all good. It’s just all abstracts in the action we physique together.
You don’t apperceive any of this adapted now, and I allegedly haven’t even met you yet. When I do, I accomplishment you will acquire what you’re accepting yourself into, about the clustercuss of ancestors and accompany you will aswell be dating, about my Tracy Flick-like plan habits and my over-obsessiveness about everything. I accomplishment you’re cat-and-mouse for me at home with a cup of coffee attainable and my computer all booted up -— because you acquire that these things are a allocation of me. I can’t adjournment for you to be a allocation of these things, too.
But I hope, wherever you are, you apperceive some of these things about yourself, too. I accomplishment you acquire your own letter, just cat-and-mouse for me in a drawer somewhere.
I can’t adjournment to apprehend it.
Nico
image – Mikhail Olykainen
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